September 2021 Newsletter: The coach-leader relationship is a two-way street.
The relationship between a leader and her coach is deeply personal, so let’s spend some time thinking about what each person should bring to it. Let’s start with what the leader should expect from the coach:
Discretion. You should be able to tell your coach anything and know that it will never be shared with anyone else. (Unless you’re confessing to a crime—we’re coaches, not priests). This means there should be an agreement between the coach, the leader being coached, and the company paying the coach about what information is shared and who shares it.
Honesty. Your coach should be someone you can count on to tell you the truth. But, there are times when your coach can’t tell you everything they know—the most obvious of those situations is when your coach is also working with someone else in your organization.
Accountability. Your coach isn’t your cheerleader. You have friends and family for that. Your coach should be helping you to feel appropriately responsible for your behaviors and your progress. This means that if you’re too generous with yourself or too hard on yourself, your coach should help you see that.
Curiosity. The number one job of a coach is to ask great questions that prompt you to really think. Great questions only come from genuinely curious people. A disinterested coach is not as likely to dig deep to help you find the answers you need.
Structure. Conversations with your coach should feel different from having coffee with a friend. Having a predictable process helps you be prepared, keeping you both on target to make progress.
Flexibility. Your coach should be willing to make adjustments to serve you better, whether adjusting your appointment days/times or responding to feedback you have about the coaching process. This, of course, has limits, but at a minimum, you should feel comfortable asking your coach for what you need.
This list is by no means exhaustive, though it does cover the big things you should be thinking about. But what about you? What does the leader need to bring to a relationship with a coach? Surely all coaches have their own checklist, but I’ll share mine here. It’s pretty simple, actually:
Courage. I look for the courage necessary to take a long, hard look in the mirror. The leaders I work with don’t shy away from feedback. In fact, over time, they grow to value it so much that one of the skills they develop is how to create a feedback-rich culture in their organizations.
Humility. In order to be a better version of yourself, you have to start with the premise that you aren’t perfect. It sounds like a no-brainer. We all know no one is perfect, right? And yet, a common reaction to feedback that points to areas of improvement is to become defensive, dismissive, or make excuses—these are not evidence of humility.
Discipline. Finally, there has to be a real commitment to doing the work. Courage gets you to a starting point, humility makes for a fertile field where change can grow, but it’s a disciplined practice of meeting with your coach and doing the work you agree to do that produces the results.